The Ultimate Guide to Friendships for Entrepreneurs
You’ve probably heard the saying “You’re only as good as the 5 people you spend the most time with,” but what does that actually mean? Friendships are crucial to our well-being. Research shows that people who have strong social ties are 50% less likely to die early, and having close friends is as good as quitting smoking. Further, 3-5 close friends is the optimal number and helps protect against depression. According to the CDC, 1 out of 6 US adults are depressed or anxious at some point in time during their lives! Entrepreneurs face some specific challenges and this guide will set you up for the success you need in your life- and by extension, your business.
Challenges faced by entrepreneurs
At the heart of it, entrepreneurs face similar challenges to everyone else when it comes to friendship. The key difference? Our values. Entrepreneurship requires a set of values that are more along the lines of personality traits. And the challenges that come with starting and running your own business? You need friends who can support you. Who value the same things. So what are the challenges in friendships for entrepreneurs?
How to make friends as an entrepreneur
Invest Time
There are 2 key steps to finding friends as an entrepreneur. First, If you’re starting a business, it’s easy to eat, sleep and breathe business building. Cultivating friendships takes time, not just at the outset- so finding ways to ensure you are prioritizing social time is a critical first step. Are you scheduling this time on a weekly basis? Do you treat it like any other important appointment, or do you let work creep in and end up canceling social time?
According to research, you’ll want a minimum of one hour per week with your friends to maintain close friendships. Carve out time in your calendar that is designated for social time, and treat it like any other appointment.
Keep in mind that a friendship goes through four categories-
Acquaintance,
friend,
good friend and
best friend.
It takes a certain number of hours of investment to move from one to the next. Relationships are best described as acquaintances until they reach about 30-60 hours of time spent together. At this point you might call someone a casual friend. Good friendships begin to emerge after 140 hours of time spent together. The caveat is that time needs to occur in the span of 3 weeks to 3 months, otherwise some of that time is used to re-familiarize yourself. Best friendships develop after about 300 hours of time invested.
Know your values
The second step is to get clear on your values and what you want out of friendships. There are many lists of values online. I like this as a starting point:
Loyalty
Honesty
intimacy,
companionship,
adventure,
growth,
financial success,
comfort,
independence,
Fun
And of course the list goes on.
As an entrepreneur, what do you need your friends to value? What are you lacking in your inner circle? Once you’ve answered these questions you can start looking for people who match what you need. Sometimes that means other entrepreneurs, and you can find them through conferences and other groups focused on networking for business. But you don’t need to have only entrepreneurs as your friends- in fact, your life will be richer if you have friends outside of your own industry. Maybe these are parents you meet through your kids’ school; maybe they are people you meet at discussion groups or through hobbies.
Make a list of your current social contacts that you interact with. Include acquaintances or neighbors in this list– people you get along with but haven’t gotten close to. This is going to be a list to draw from when you start having those deeper conversations.
If you’re stuck on where to go to meet like minded people, start with making a list of the activities you enjoy doing or talking about, then cross-reference that with a search on Meetup.com, Facebook groups, or your city’s community events calendar. Is there an intramural sports league you can join? A local climbing gym? A hiking group? Perhaps there’s a class you can take to learn a new (non-business-related) skill, such as improv, ceramics, or gardening. Think about activities that allow for interaction with others. If you’re an introvert, this will also help you to have a way to break the ice and reduce pressure to be fully engaged in conversation the entire time.
Engage
Once you’ve identified some places to go, strike up conversations. Bypass the small talk and ask questions that allow you to really get to know someone. Some of my favorites include asking about what they’re looking forward to, the most influential books they’ve read, or their favorite podcast. While it doesn’t have to be a deep philosophical conversation, you can usually start identifying where values match when you share these things about yourself as well.
Remember that list of social contacts? Now’s the time to take initiative and invite someone to spend some time one-on-one. We tend to underestimate how much people will like us– or whether they will! Reaching out to invite someone to coffee or to attend an event together might be all that’s missing to kickstart a strong relationship.
How to strengthen a weak friendship
There are several reasons a friendship might be weak. If any of these are missing, your social life isn’t optimized. We’ve already covered the importance of spending enough time with someone. Time isn’t all you need though! How you spend that time is crucial.
Choosing the right activities
Friendship expert Robin Dunbar highlights several activities that are important. At the top of the list is being in physical proximity. Virtual connections are ever more common, and you may have to rely on them for friends who are out of town, but it only slows down the decay. Making time at regular intervals to meet up in person is a great way to ensure that these connections remain strong. Conversation and activities that increase endorphins, like singing or dancing, are also critical.
If you are in a position where your friends live in another city, consistent and intentional connection through a phone or video call is essential. You might consider finding games you can play together online or using specific conversation prompts. Not into video games? Try something like pictionary or JackBox over a video call.
Build trust
Finally, the strength of a friendship hinges on opportunities to build trust and reciprocity. This is where the rubber meets the road- and what you talk about with someone matters. When it comes to conversation, there are four types of conversations you’ll want to have: Playful, self-disclosure (like catching up on your life), serious, and those that show attention and affection. Here’s what that could look like: sharing not only that you’ve decided to launch a new course in your business, but how you’re really feeling about it. Nervous that you don’t yet have the right skills dialed in? Stressed about tech challenges? Or maybe there’s something going on with your kids and you’re feeling out of your element. This kind of self-disclosure provides the opportunity for others to get to know you on a deeper level, and to show up for you in ways that matter. If someone handles it well, you know you can move on to talking about more emotionally salient topics. The key here is to progress gradually– you don’t want to start with details of a trauma you experienced as a child when someone hasn’t earned your trust yet.
Consider also asking your friends for help or support in some way, as well as offering support. In a society that is increasingly atomized and many support functions are served by hiring out, it’s easy to overlook the immense benefit that comes from concrete support from a friend. It’s human nature to want to feel valued and important, and one of the most effective ways to feel good is to do something for someone else. Asking for help even in small ways can be a gift you offer to the people around you.
Managing conflict
It goes without saying that this is a critical skill in any of our relationships. But without it, relationships can’t grow. The closer we get to someone, the more vulnerable we are and that’s where conflict is likely to surface. Good conflict management requires a willingness to tolerate conflict, seeing it as an essential part of growth, and developing skills for managing disagreements in a way that strengthens the bonds of the relationship. If you find that you tend to avoid conflict, withdraw after conflict, or become defensive, focus your efforts on improving how you show up in conflict. Some great resources include Non-Violent Communication and the work of the Gottman Institute (tailored toward couples, but the principles apply to all relationships).
Breaking up with friends
Perhaps the number one concern I see among entrepreneurs when it comes to friendships is that they feel their old friends just don’t get it and aren’t able to come along on their journey of growth. So how do you let go of those friendships that aren’t serving you anymore?
Once you’ve identified that ending the relationship is necessary, be prepared for conflict, difficult conversations, and even feelings of grief. Any big change is uncomfortable, and this includes changes to your social network. The more significant the history with someone, the more likely you are to feel some loss even while acknowledging that the relationship is no longer the best fit. Aim to cultivate a mindset that allows for this duality, and try to separate the person from the friendship.
With that said, the less time you spend with someone, the more you’ll drift apart. If you are not getting your needs met with friends who are more compatible, however, you’ll continue to go back to what is familiar. So prioritizing new friendships that are more aligned with you is a key first step.
The next step is to identify your own boundaries and communicate clearly what your needs and desires are. Perhaps this is setting a limit on the topics of conversation you are willing to engage in. If someone continues to invite you out and you simply don’t want to spend time with them, you may need to let them know that you’d prefer to reach out when you feel you are ready.
How a friendship coach can help
Relationships of all kinds are complicated, and friendship is no exception. A coach who specializes in friendships can help you discover your deepest values, obstacles to creating lasting emotional intimacy with friends, and keep you accountable and encouraged along the journey. Whether it’s creating a plan to build a solid inner circle or providing guidance in managing a conflict with a friend, a coach can help you identify and build the skills and mindset you need to be successful in your social life and to find entrepreneur friends.
In conclusion, finding entrepreneur friends boils down to having clarity around your values and prioritizing those friendships. There is no substitute for time, and consistent action will ensure you develop strong ties. So pick three things you can do this week to strengthen your friendships. You can start with this free assessment tool.
